Do you know
What it's like
When it's wrong
But it feels so right

ga seharusnya gue ngerasa kayak gini. dan ga seharusnya juga gue bersikap kayak gini selama ini. gue gatau harus berbuat apa. gue juga gabisa jelasin apa yang sebenernya gue rasain. apa karena pms atau karena emang guenya aja yang egois?

ada satu momen dimana hal yang gue pengen cuman semuanya berjalan lancar. semuanya. ada kalanya gue pengen dan ngerasa iri sama orang lain. dan disaat kayak gini gue langsung lupa segala hal kecil yang dulu dengan gampangnya ngebuat gue bahagia. gue langsung lupa kalo gue pernah bener bener bersyukur akan hal kecil.

gue egois banget.

gue minta nyokap dan keluarga gue buat sayang sama gue. tapi disisi lain gue gapernah bersikap baik sama mereka. gue bener bener gatau gimana caranya bersikap ke orang tua selain nurutin semua kemauan mereka. selama ini gue hidup kayak robot. gue cuman bisa ngelakuin yang disuruh. gue gapernah ngelakuin sesuatu atas inisiatif gue sendiri. hal ini ngebuat kesel banget. tapi disisi lain juga gue gabisa berontak. gabisa gerak juga. karena seperti yang gue bilang tadi, gue gaakan gerak kalo ga disuruh.

gampang sih ya ngomong. semua saran dari orang juga semua udah pernah gue denger. kenyataannya kan emang untuk ngelakuin sesuatu yang diluar kebiasaan itu susah. apalagi disaat orang tua udah ngeluarin kata kutukan "gaakan bisa kalo gadenger orang tua"

gue akhirnya selalu terperangkap dikondisi "membenci" mereka. selama ini gue selalu diem. gue gamau ngomong. gamau negor. selalu kesel. entah itu karena apa. gue terbiasa akan hal ini. dicuekin keluarga. terlupakan. ga ngomong sama mereka. ga diperhatiin. tapi disaat mereka ngasih semua hal itu ke orang lain, gue garela.

salah banget emang disaat gue gabisa menyayangi mereka tapi gue iri dan menuntut mereka untuk menyayangi. toh di satu sisi juga gue udah bener bener gatau gimana caranya menyayangi mereka. gimana caranya ngasih surprise kecil ke mereka. gimana caranya meluk mereka. gimana caranya perhatian sama mereka. gimana caranya cerita ke mereka. apalagi bilang sayang ke mereka. gue pengen gue bisa dengan nyaman nangis didepan orang tua gue. gue pengen mereka jadi tempat ternyaman gue. gue pengen gue bisa dengan yakin lari ke mereka saat gue ada masalah. gue pengen dipeluk saat gue nangis. tapi apa? apa reaksi kalian saat gue nangis? kalian gapernah berusaha nenangin gue. jangankan meluk, kalian tetep sibuk kan sama urusan kalian?

i'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass for you. i'm sorry for acting annoying all this time. but don't you realize that I did this so you can give me a little attention? I'm mad hoping that you give me some sweet words and give me explanation or help me understand about everything that happens to me. I want you to ask about my day. I want you to ask if I already eat. I've been a picky person when it comes to food because I want you to cook for me. I want you to know my favorite food. even after 17 years, you still don't know what my favorite food is. you don't know my habits. you don't know my personality. all you know is that I'm a grumpy and don't know how to socialize to people cause I barely talk to you. I can be a good person. I can love you. I can sacrifice anything for people I love. I can laugh all the time. I can be nice to people I hate. I can hear people's problems and stories. I can talk to people. I make friends. I have best friends. do you even know that? all you know is some part of me that i choose to show so you can teach me how to be a nice girl. but look what you've done. you left, right?

so tell me how can I love you when you never teach me how to love. I'm started to think that love's no longer available as soon as you grow up. then love becomes "pay the bills". you thought you've done your job when you're giving your kids your money. no, dude. that moment when we're growing up is the moment we need you the most. we ask a lot of things. we feel a lot of pains. are you there when we need you?

anyway, you don't care about my feelings and personality at all, right? because all I hear is I need to be succeed so I can return all the money you gave me these time.

thank you.