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do you ever wondering how could people stay together for a really long time even though one of them hurt another? how could people stay if the pain is unbearable? how could people accept all the flaws without getting sick of it? how could people trying to fight for their relationship when they know they had no chance at all? how could people forgive their couple's mistake and pretend like it's never happened? how could someone hold their anger and still being nice to their partner?

is it love?
or maybe it's because you're mature enough, is it?

lots of quotes said that you can't explain what love is, but you can feel it. but how could you know what love is if you barely talk about it? how could you know if you love that person if you never talk to them that you love them? that feeling become kinda blurry when you never express your true feelings.

I'm in the moment when I really want to stay with him. I can't stand the idea of we're being apart. I don't know how to replace him, no, I don't want to. He was like my comfort zone and my best friend. Having a relationship with him was like a neutralizer. And I gotta admit that he is my source of happiness. But when I ask myself, "Do I love him?" I can't find the answer.

That happened since we never talk or ask each of us about that question. I lost the meaning of love that I used to said almost everyday with my ex. Though I didn't have these super pleasant feelings when I was with him. But I could say that I love him. I could tell exactly that I loved him, missed him, or didn't want to loose him. But now? Why can't I even say that words anymore?

Is it the good things about this relationship? We know that we need each other without telling it. We know that we don't wanna give up. We're not ready yet, and don't wanna yet. He once said that "kamu jangan nilai dari perkataannya aja dong cut. masa kamu gabisa ngeliat dari perlakuan aku ke kamu?"  and that words haunting me till now. that words slapped me and now I woke up. I realized that he's not that kind of guy who would tell exactly what he feels. buy right now, I couldn't ask for a better guy. our relationship wasn't like what you expected. It's not perfect. It's not dreamy. It's not always romantic and sweet. It's absurd. We're weird. But I'm happy for it. And I wish this could last.

Thank you for being the most annoying, freak, sweet, kind and patient man for me. Please, don't get tired of me because I swear, I won't get tired of you. Yeah maybe I said I was done, multiple times, but that's not exactly what I wanted.

Will try my best to be a better person and be mature. And if you read this, don't complain me, alright? I know this sounds cheesy but hellow I'm a girl I got cheesy sometimes.