summer is coming to the town. I'm not really excited though. it's always been summer in Indonesia, right? good thing about summer is : new collection everywhere! yeay! it's time to hunting some clothes and get the best price. sale everywhere guys.
I've finished all my tasks and my exam is over. this is the first time I feel relieved since a really long time. I studied all night long before the exam, I know this ain't good. but I feel like all my effort are payed. I never study (seriously) since high school. and this time, I studied bcs I concerned about my score. and some teacher asked me about my score. yes, I always got bad scores. they warned me if I keep getting bad scores, it won't be good for me. so I started to study, did all my unfinished tasks, and fixed my bad scores. now I'm happy because I can see the results :) but still.. I haven't got my report. all I can do is wishing it the best and let God do the rest. I regret everything. my laziness and all my fucking dream. I realized it will never happen. I just need to face the truth, and go back to my life. my real life.
yesterday, I got mad at God. I know this sounds stupid but I talk to God everyday. I tell Him everything like a best friend. my mom talked a sensitive topics (for me, it's really sensitive :p) my grandma made me mad even more bcs she's always say that I'm not gonna reach what I want. that things can bring down my mood easily. you know, what I hate the most is people who underestimate my dreams. I cried. yes I cry a lot lately and I don't know why but it makes me sick. I feel like a lame girl. I used to be strong! I never cry especially just because some random things. but now, I cry everytime! even for a little thing, damn. I slept earlier yesterday bcs I can't stand.. it broke my hearts into pieces :( *lebay* *dramaqueen* and before I slept, I asked him why I can't always get what I want. I'm a type of people who will do anything to get what I want. and usually I effortlessly get it. but things get harder then. I tried. maybe not my best, but I tried. I'm tired and hate myself and hate my life and hate everything.
I hate people.
sometimes I wish I'm alone so I can do everything on my own without being told what to do. and all those judgements. I just want to be happy. but everytime I almost feel it, people say bad things which is make me want to kill everyone. in this world.
the next morning (which is today) I wake up and feel guilty. how dare I am to mad at God while He already gave me a lot. maybe my life isn't as beauty as those people. but God always lead me into the right way. He wants the best for me but my fucking selfish mind won't accept it. and then I saw this-is-secret-I-can't-tell and pictured myself as them. I don't fit them. maybe I love it but those ain't my world. I'm karcut with my way that my mom chosen.
but surprisingly, it makes me happy eventually.
I tell myself a million times, to quit. to letting it go. but I can never.
I hope you understand that is not as easy as you said. and don't you dare to say that those aren't worth to fighting for. because this is me, seeing from my point of view, saying it's worth it. and if I can wait a little bit longer and save it for myself at this moment, I can get it.
I still believe that if you want something, never give up. I still believe on believing. I still believe on things you wish every nite will come to you someday, at the right time. and though I can't get exactly what I want, at least I will be happy and feel no pain after all. I'm just tired being hurt everyday. and crying almost everyday. I'm tired God, please listen to me. and I'm sorry for what I did yesterday.
you know what hurt the most? seeing myself draw my dreams and smile after that. and being told I could never do that because I should 'follow' them. and all I wanna do is burn those paper, and if I could, burn myself too.
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